I have Okcupid regret, I messaged a bunch of girls on Okcupid and now I regret it. I’m currently in a small town on business, I’m alone and there isn’t even a nightlife here to bask in. I saw a place called Fox Bar on the walk back to my apartment, looked cool, but on the walk back at dusk I noticed older people seated with plates of food in front of them. That bugs me, they think bar can be used as a synonym for restaurant, it can’t. If it’s awkward for me to stand in the middle of the room with my beer then it’s not a bar. The streets are near empty, place reminds me of the bleak, lonely urban-scape in Francis Ford Coppola’s Rumble Fish. However those Romantic notions are fleeting, and today after an Okcupid trawl, I realized I was considerably lonely.
I’ve realized I don’t like being isolated as much as I thought, or, I like being alone only on certain conditions. Last year I went to the States on my own, but I was there on my own terms, chose where to go, had freedom, and as a result I was never really lonely. Right now I must want to hang out with some friends, because the only thing I wanted on Okcupid was a mix of validation and perhaps someone to say hi to. The only time I use Okcupid is when I’ve been on these work trips, and I seem to message the girls from where I’m from, not where I’m visiting as if there’s a rush to set something up for my return. This tells me I’m insecure about existing prospects back home, and being a little alone exacerbates that.
There really is a hangover to Okcupid, I feel a sense of shame maybe a bit of self-loathing. now. Some bloggers say don’t use it – don’t use Okcupid, that way you’re not seeking validation. Well sometimes without my tribe of friends I seem to seek it unless I distract myself or get busy with something. That self-helpy-don’t-seek-validation-ever stuff reads so detached sometimes, like a car’s user manual; Don’t turn on car lights before ignition, that way you’re not draining the car’s battery each time you start up. Makes you wonder if the author is even human.
I don’t care for the replies I’ve got now, they’re just after attention like I was. It’s the following day and it feels like some lunatic originally sent out those messages. I also recall refreshing the inbox page until my eyes felt heavy, I really must have wanted attention. Some people actually live a lot of their life like this, don’t know how they do it. This is the same mood that invites impulse shopping and loading up on shit food, for me that’s donuts. The confectionary industry would go broke if it wasn’t for people who are alone and aren’t pleased about it.
Anyway, I don’t think I’m the introvert I thought I was, and my needy side isn’t as small as I thought it was. If neediness in males was somehow empirically measured I’d say it would be most accurate if measured during a sexual dry patch, otherwise it has the ability to lay dormant. But that’s not going to change before I return home in two days, so I suppose I’ll enjoy the internal melodrama while it lasts, and that more or less identifies with start and end of this confessional post.